Elementary, My Dear Groucho by Ron Goulart

Author:Ron Goulart [Goulart, Ron]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: (¯`'•.¸//(*_*)\\¸.•'´¯)
ISBN: 0312208928
Publisher: Minotaur Books
Published: 1999-11-23T00:00:00+00:00

Seventeen

Every surface of the Cutting Room that could be covered with knotty pine was. The small barroom sat on the edge of an unpaved parking lot and its blue-tinted side windows gave you a view of weedy fields and a patch of woodlands. Behind the narrow bar hung a large framed linen movie poster featuring Guy Pope in the part of Ivanhoe. The bartender, a thickset bearded man in a faded UCLA sweatshirt, was absently polishing glasses and watching a buzzing fly avoid getting caught on a dangling strip of flypaper.

Jane and I had barely crossed the threshold and the scents of stale beer and old cigarette smoke had just commenced engulfing us, when three midgets in dark business suits stood up at a table on our left and all waved.

The midget with the mustache called out, "Hiya, Janey, honey."

The midget wearing the horn-rimmed glasses inquired, "How's by you, toots?"

The third midget, who was about six inches shorter than his colleagues, was red-haired and freckled. He came hurrying over and held out his hand to me. "Put her there, pal," he invited. "You must be Janey's old man."

"It's the Spiegelman Brothers," she explained to me as she smiled at them with restrained enthusiasm.

"The Spiegelman Brothers?" I inquired while shaking hands.

"We're better known in the east," said the one I was shaking hands with. "I'm Leroy."

"They're not really brothers, except for show business purposes." Jane waved at the two who'd remained at the table with their drinks. "Hi, Edwin. Hi, Mort."

"So you guys are in show business, huh?" I said to Leroy.

"You thought maybe we were a trio of undersized insurance salesmen?"

"I met the Spiegelman Brothers about a year ago," explained Jane as we headed for the bar. "RKO was thinking about making some comedy shorts based on the Hillbilly Willy comic strip and the Spiegelman boys were going to play the Moonshine Triplets."

"Louella Parsons and Johnny Whistler never mentioned that, so I was unaware of – "

"You still out of work?" asked Leroy, who'd stuck with us.

"I'm between pictures."

"You have to have written a picture first, buster, before you can be between them."

"I'm between scripts, then."

"That radio show you did with Groucho wasn't too terrible," conceded Leroy.

Jane tapped him on the shoulder. "It's been nice running into you boys again, but right now – "

"You'd appreciate it if I did a scramola?"

"We're actually sort of here on business and – "

"No need to apologize, Janey." Reaching up, Leroy patted my wife on her left buttock and, smiling up at me, went trotting back to rejoin the other Spiegelman Brothers.

"They took a liking to me." Jane perched on a stool at the bar.

"Don't let those little peckerheads annoy you," advised the bearded bartender. "This is their favorite hangout at the moment. Soon as they get work again things'll get back to normal."

There were no other customers in the place.

"They think it's funny to order Napoleon brandy," he said. "What'll you folks have?"

I glanced at Jane, who shrugged one shoulder. "Couple of beers," I said.

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